Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I love having hate sex.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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