I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
They have beer where we have blood.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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