If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
