I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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