She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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