she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
