you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
