She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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