I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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