she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
