Can i not drive my cunt home
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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