not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She even gives head with a lisp.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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