please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
