I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
