I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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