dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm just crazy horny about you
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
