Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
