ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
