I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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