Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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