I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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