she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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