I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
