i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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