why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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