if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
