anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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