Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and she was petting her beer can
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
