I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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