my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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