I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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