I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
