everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
