You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
