In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
