Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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