Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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