I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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