pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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