I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
