You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
