theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
