I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
