I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize