my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
