I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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