You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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