I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
