I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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