cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize