I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
