My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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