just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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