i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize