Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
