You just made me feel so damn special
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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