I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
