I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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