Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
