chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
