Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
