Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
