drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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