she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
